James Barrett, PhD

Often, I get referrals where the parent or teacher says that the boy “needs to learn how to express his feelings.”  Hmmm.  Maybe.  But I think it is important to recognize that for many boys it is very difficult for them to access and verbalize difficult emotions such as fear, embarrassment or shame.  When boys experience these emotions they often resort to shutting down or getting angry.  However, the first step to helping them is not to push them to “express their feelings,” this is likely to make them run for the hills.  After all, the other boys that they are hanging out with are unlikely to be sitting around sharing their emotions.  We guys might be better off if we did, it just doesn’t happen all that often.  Instead, we should first work to help boys feel safe and empowered.  Once we establish those basics, the  boys is much less likely to have to rely on shutting down or lashing out and may even be in a place where he can start to talk about those dreaded “feelings.”