One of the biggest parts of my practice is teaching young men that they can settle conflicts without resorting to fighting; that they can be a “real man” and not have to respond to a challenge with fists. For those of you who don’t follow the NHL, 2 weeks ago a player for the Bruins was the victim of a “cheap shot” by a player for the Penguins. The league did not discipline this player and all week long the talk on Boston sports radio was that the Bruins had no other choice but to avenge their fallen player by fighting a Penguins’ player tonight in the rematch. Sure enough, not more than a minute into the first period Thorton for the Bruins dropped his gloves and pummeled the player who had injured his teammate while a packed stadium roared their approval. Now, for all those boys I’m working with, you tell me which message is more powerful?
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3 Ways to have a “boy-friendly” talk
I have talked on this blog before about how difficult it can be for boys to have emotional, one on one discussions. Parents are often left struggling with how to approach discussing challenging issues such as drugs, curfew, safe relationships, fighting, etc. with their sons. Here are three “boy-friendly” ways of having “a talk.”
1) Go for a ride. Why not use the trip to soccer practice or a friend’s house as an opportunity to talk? Car rides have you sitting side-by-side with your son (which is the boys’ preferred style of conversation) and the ride provides a backdrop to take the pressure out of the conversation.
2) Play a video game. I know there is plenty out there about the dangers of video games, but your son is likely playing them so why not get some good out of them. Boys are used to competing against friends and can feel more comfortable opening up if there is a game going while you talk. Again, the video game also provides a distraction so the boy doesn’t feel “under the spotlight.”
3) Get outside. Here in the northeast we have had 3 days of rain but the sun is finally out and Spring will soon be here. Boys tend to do better talking when they are engaged in a physical activity and being outdoors helps them feel less “trapped” when having a tough conversation.
Teen Boys and Pot
Marijuana is popular with many of the teenage boys whom I work with in my practice. For parents, it is difficult to know how much they should be worrying about their son’s marijuana use. After all, you cannot become physically addicted to pot, you can’t overdose from it, and it doesn’t usually lead to violent behavior. However, inhaling the smoke is as or more dangerous than cigarette smoke, you can become psychologically dependent on it, it also can interfere with learning and decision making. What is a parent to do? I always advise parents to pick their battles and prioritize safety by making clear to their kids the following rules:
- We do not condone smoking marijuana due to the health risks (both physical and mental)
- Pot or paraphernalia is not allowed in the house (after all it is illegal)
- Under no circumstances can you drive while high
- You are not to go to school high
- You are not to come home high
Outside of these rules I advise parents not to spend all their time trying to catch them in the act. If your son is has a problem with pot you will know, he will get caught in school, come home frequently smelling like weed, etc. If he persists in use in the face of consequences (e.g., grounded, suspended from school, etc.) that is a sign he needs further intervention. There are no real “detox” programs for marijuana, the best choice is an outpatient group program such as the ASAP Program at Children’s Hospital in Boston (which does a great job). The good news is that many teen boys grow out of their “pot smoking stage.” For those that don’t there are treatment options available. Understandably, with references to weed in movies, TV shows and music parents often feel they are facing an uphill battle–but again, pick your battles, prioritize safety and you and your son will get through it.