Why do some boys hate therapy? Simple, they think it is “corny.” As a profession we haven’t done a great job “selling” therapy to boys. Games where you talk about feelings, posters with funny cartoon faces asking “how do you feel today?”, motivational messages, they are all out of place in a “guy’s guy” world. A colleague recently told me that one of his good friend’s brought his son to a therapist that was supposedly “one of the best” in working with young men. The boy was sent to therapy to help address the verbal abuse he was directing at his mother. The therapist put a stuffed animal in an empty chair and told his client to pretend that it was his mother and talk to her. The boy looked at his father and said, “that’s it, I’m outta here.” The “empty chair” technique this therapist was using can be effective with some clients. What he failed to pick up on was that if a “guy’s guy” walks into a strange office and is asked right off the bat to talk to a teddy bear, he is unlikely to stick around. The funny faces posters, pictures of kittens and ice breakers can work wonders with some patients, but if you are seeing a “guy’s guy” for the first time, do yourself a favor and put them away. A boy who thinks therapy is “corny” is unlikely to come back a second time…or even stick around for the first session!
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Why Some Boys Hate Therapy Part I
One of the biggest reasons that boys hate therapy is because they are afraid that going to see a “shrink” means that they are crazy, a “psycho” or something is really wrong with them. Many boys cringe at the thought of their friends ever finding out that they are seeing a therapist. Many, many boys would rather be in a dentist chair or get a series of shots at the doctor’s office than be sitting across from a therapist. Certainly, there are large-scale efforts to try to take the stigma out of mental health treatment, but we have a long way to go before the majority of boys view going to see a therapist as “normal.” In the meantime, here are a few tips to help reduce the feelings of shame that can accompany a visit to see a mental health professional:
1) Avoid words like “therapy,” “shrink,” or other terms that can raise a boys’ sense of apprehension. Instead you can use words such as “helper,” “coach” or “professional.”
2) Be concrete in explaining why the boy, teen, or family is going to see a mental health professional and try to use language that focuses on building strengths rather than addressing problems. Examples may include, to improve communication in the family, to build skills around anger control, or to better work with the helpers at school.
3) Finally, ask the boy to make a deal that he at least gives the therapist a shot (e.g., go to a few sessions) and if it is not helpful or it is not a good match then he can explore other options. The key is to be aware and sensitive to the apprehension and sometimes dread that boys feel when they hear they are going to therapy.
3 Tips for Finding Effective Mental Health Care for your Family
With all the uncertainty recently in the field of health care I hear more and more from families that they are struggling to find the right match for their needs. Some want to use their HMO and can’t find anyone in network, others don’t know how to wade through the hundreds of therapists on-line who promise happiness and success if you work with them. Here are three tips to finding effective help fast:
1) Don’t fall for gimmicks. I am dismayed to see many of my colleagues offering low-cost “alternatives” to mental health care such as webinars, CD’s, 5-step tele-classes, etc. None of these well-packaged “products” can take the place of working with a psychologist who can provide careful diagnosis and treatment options for your family.
2) Don’t confine yourself to your insurance network. I get a few calls every month where as soon as the parent hears I am not on their HMO panel they hurry off the phone saying they can’t afford to not use their insurance. While I certainly understand the desire to use the benefits you pay for, in-network options are not always the best. For example, lets say you choose a clinician that is in-network with your insurance but not an expert in the help you need or the best fit for your family or child. You can waste precious time and weeks worth of co-pays for ineffective care. Worst-case scenario, a negative experience with therapy can turn a child or teen off to the experience entirely.
3) Interview different providers and get the best value for your healthcare dollar. Most psychologists will offer a free, breif phone consult. Ask them if they have expertise in the problem for which you seek help. For example, if someone calls up seeking help for their daughter with an eating disorder, I’ll provide them with referrals as this is not one of my areas of expertise. However, if you call looking for help with your teenage son who is getting in trouble at home and in school, I’m the guy to talk to and I can lay out how I plan to help. Often in three months of solid work we can get more accomplished than what you would with a year of work with an inexperienced clinician. Don’t be afraid to ask the psychologist to explain in concrete terms how he or she plans to help and how you will evaluate the effectiveness of the work together.
In short–don’t “cheap out” on mental health care. Often, even out of pocket expenses will be less than you pay for cable TV, a plumber, or comprehensive lawn service and think of what you can get in return–peace at home, a safer teen, or a family that is able to communicate more effectively. The trick is in taking the time to find a competent, capable clinician with the expertise you need and a plan as to how he or she will help you get the results you are looking for. I have yet to see that happen by signing up for a “Gold Membership” on a website message board.