Interesting study by Niobe Way on friendship in boys. She posits that boys start out having very close and intimate friendships and are not afraid to talk about friends in loving terms. However, she found as boys develop into teens their close friendships fade. From the article found here:
When asked why such friendships faded as they aged, the teens listed girlfriends, busy school and work schedules, and a need to change schools or move as the main reasons. But Way says that it has much more to do with ingrained societal norms. They become, she said, “increasingly attuned to cultural messages about manhood and maturity.” “Rather than focusing on who they are,” Way added, “they become obsessed with who they are not.” Despite the countless studies that indicate close friends are good for a person’s emotional and physical well-being, boys feel pressure to show their independence and emotional stoicism, said Way.
The line about boys focusing on how they are not more than how they are struck a chord with me. So many boys hide the pain of the shame they experience around not living up to our norms of “being a man.” Its an important message to keep in mind when we are working with a boy who is struggling. That is, we need to examine not only what is going on with him, but also what he is worried about that is not going on with him.