This has been a tough summer for many of the teen boys who I work with. Jobs are scarce, they are too old for camp and many are bored and restless. This combination often results in sleeping late, increased time in front of video games and computer screens, and frequent arguments with parents over what they are doing with their summer. If this sounds familiar, here are three quick suggestions for teens to help beat the summertime blues:
1) Join a gym or YMCA. It has been particularly hot this summer and teens often feel it is too hot to go to the local outdoor court or park. However, gym memberships have dropped in price and offer an air-conditioned alternative to outdoor activities. Your son is also more likely to go if he can find a few friends to join with him.
2) Pursue an artistic endeavor. Summer is a great time to pick up a musical instrument, record hip hop music with friends using music software, start painting or drawing, or start writing a blog. Everyone has some form of artistic creativity and summer –when the pressures of school are temporarily at bay– is rife with opportunity to try out new artistic avenues.
3) Take some weekend trips. While many families have to understandably cut back on long vacations, there are still plenty of short weekend trips that are inexpensive (e.g., camping, fishing, day trip to the beach or lake) and fun. These short trips can help to break up the monotony of being at home over a long summer.
Happy 4th of July to all! With fireworks displays coming up, I thought it might be timely to highlight a resource for juvenile firesetting: Matchbook. Odds are if you work with boys you have come across juvenile firesetting in some manner but may not have known where to turn for help. Matchbook is an academic and practice resource for juvenile firesetting, take a look and have a safe and happy 4th!
In what could be considered a step forward in terms of “guys guys” overcoming the stigma of utilizing mental health services, LA Laker Ron Artest thanked his psychiatrist for helping his performance in Game 7.
Ron Artest thanks psychiatrist
In following Massachusetts’ anti-bullying legislation in the media and in my own conversations with parents I often hear three major concerns to legislating school’s responses to bullying that I address below:
1) Now every little thing is going to be called “bullying.” I have heard parents say things like, “If my kids makes fun of another kids glasses is he now going to be breaking the law?” No, it will not be. Olweus, a national expert in bullying defines it as when someone is,”exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.” Thus, bullying is ongoing and targeted harassment and not a behavior that occurs once or twice and it can have very serious consequences for the victim and for the perpetrator.
2) Isn’t bullying a normal part of growing up? No. While bullying occurs across cultures and is most prevalent when children are in middle school, it is should not be considered “just part of growing up.” After all, it is normal for kids to try out all kinds of risky behaviors but that does not mean as adults we turn a blind eye to them. Would you let a 12 year old manage your finances, decide what you will eat for dinner each night, or drive a car? Of course not, because they are not developmentally ready for these responsibilities. Similarly, children in middle school do not have the capacity to understand the long-term pain and suffering that bullying can cause, that is why it is up for adults to intervene.
3) Kids need to learn how to defend themselves on their own. Children will have plenty of opportunities to learn how to advocate for themselves, defend themselves and be assertive when necessary. They do not need to endure bullying to learn these skills. Often, parents who have been bullied themselves are understandably concerned about their children and push them to fight whenever they feel disrespected. There are two problems with this approach: a) fighting can get the victim in more trouble and b) bully victims are often physically smaller and less assertive than their peers and thus ill-equipped to fight bullies, who are often physically strong and aggressive. Therefore, adults have to be ready to intervene to stop bullying and address it as a serious problem in schools and one that will not be tolerated.
Once we have helped boys to better understand how their emotions work, the impact of self-soothing and the feeling of empowerment that can come with self-control, the final thing we need is to encourage outlets for competitive activity. Bill Pollack talked about the importance of boys having an outlet and without question boys often relate and communicate through competition. The specific outlet doesn’t matter, sports, video games, rapping, battle of the bands, etc, the important thing is that a boy has a chance to feel that he “kicked ass” every once in awhile. There is nothing wrong with feeling cool and empowered and the more a boy feels that way the less he feels he has to take on all comers or “step up” to anyone who slights him. Remember, a little friendly competition can go a long way.
In my last post I talked about ways to pitch the idea of self-soothing and recognizing cues and triggers to anger to boys. The place where I see anger management programs fail the most for boys is teaching these skills out of context. If a young man calms himself down and walks away from a conflict feeling like he was just made to look like a punk or being ashamed of being a coward our intervention can hardly be deemed a success. I believe it is critically important to help boys understand that true power and control come from never letting someone else goad you into action. This is an idea that has existed in martial arts for ages. Sun Tzu said: “The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy’s will to be imposed on him.” When anger management is framed as being derived from a place of strength and mastery rather than suppression and submission, it is much more appealing to young men. Thus, I never tell my clients that they can’t be angry, but I do ask that they never act out of anger or let someone else “play them out of position” and incite them to act by taunting them or challenging them. I like to ask boys that if you have to strike back every time you feel you are threatened or challenged then who has the true power? Who is really in control? In the next and final installment of this series I will talk about the importance of feeling like “the top dog.”
Ay good anger management program is going to teach de-escalation skills. The problem that I have always had with traditional anger management programs is that they teach these skills without context. If you tell a teen boy that he needs to take a deep breath, count to ten and walk away when he is mad he is likely going to look at you like you are nuts. To make these skills a little more interesting and relevant you can teach boys about the fight or flight response that occurs in your body when angry. Boys can often perk up when they learn that blood rushes to their limbs, the emotional part of their brain flares up, concentration becomes intense and focused and a burst of adrenaline rushes to your muscles when angry. This is the body getting ready to “go at it.” This process can be slowed down if the boy recognizes and learns the physiological cues that precede this process (flushed face, tense shoulders, clenched fists) and then relaxation breathing is used. The trick becomes getting boys to buy into slowing this process down. I will talk about how we can do that in Part III coming soon…
Many of the referrals I get ask for “anger management” for boys or young men. The term “anger management” is so loaded that I am going to take some time on this blog to unpack it and look at what it is, whom it helps, and how it is done best. Research shows that boys will benefit most from anger management if they have a reactive temperament and show remorse for their outbursts. This would include young men with a low frustration tolerance, impulsivity and executive functioning problems as well as some forms of Mood Disorders. Typically, the young person encounters a frustrating situation or perceived threat, struggles to inhibit an angry or explosive response and then feels regret or remorse for his actions afterwards. Conversely, boys or teens who take pleasure in lashing out at others, chronically externalize the blame for their actions on others, or who target others for violent attacks (e.g., waiting afterschool to jump someone to steal his iPod) benefit less from anger management. These boys are better served by a behavioral intervention that links consistent consequences to their actions. Thus, the first step in deciding whether a referral for anger management is appropriate is doing a careful assessment of the young man and his profile of concerning behavior. If he tends to be reactive and shows some remorse for his actions then he is a good candidate, if he tends to display targeted or proactive aggression and externalizes blame for his behavior, he is not an ideal candidate. Next up in this blog series: how do we couch anger management so that it is relevant to young men?
Here in Massachusetts bullying has been on the front pages due the tragic case of Phoebe Prince, a 15 year old from South Hadley who committed suicide after enduring horrific bullying. Most of the media attention has been focused on ways that schools can improve their responses to bullying. Hopefully, this tragedy can inspire wholesale change in the ways that schools attend to fostering a climate that both prevents bullying from occurring as well as holds bullies accountable for their actions. However, I fear that this is only half the battle. When we discover that a child is being bullied our first step as parents, educators or helping professionals needs to focus on stopping further bullying from occurring. At the same time it is critical that we attend to the emotional aftermath of the bullying that the victim suffers. This can be especially important for boys who often feel pressure to deny that they were hurt by bullying. Consequently, they are left to struggle on their own with feelings of helplessness for not fighting back, shame and confusion as to why they are the target in the first place, and anger that someone would want to hurt them. We need to give boys a space in which they can feel comfortable coming to adults they trust to talk about some of these emotions. This needs to be done in a non-shaming fashion and in a manner that focuses on building empowerment.
One way of doing this is to provide psycho-education that bullying is something that unfortunately tends to occur in the middle and high school years when kids feel the pressure to fit in, follow the group and sometimes ridicule others to make themselves feel better. Bullies usually target kids who are quiet, less assertive, and physically smaller than their peers. It is important that the boy not feel ashamed about these traits or to feel that it is his fault that he was bullied. It is crucial that he have a group of peers that he feels comfortable with and can provide him support. It is also important that adults let boys know they are there for them even after the bullying has stopped as, unfortunately, the emotional aftermath can continue for some time.
One of the biggest parts of my practice is teaching young men that they can settle conflicts without resorting to fighting; that they can be a “real man” and not have to respond to a challenge with fists. For those of you who don’t follow the NHL, 2 weeks ago a player for the Bruins was the victim of a “cheap shot” by a player for the Penguins. The league did not discipline this player and all week long the talk on Boston sports radio was that the Bruins had no other choice but to avenge their fallen player by fighting a Penguins’ player tonight in the rematch. Sure enough, not more than a minute into the first period Thorton for the Bruins dropped his gloves and pummeled the player who had injured his teammate while a packed stadium roared their approval. Now, for all those boys I’m working with, you tell me which message is more powerful?
