Recently, there has been attention in the news regrading employers asking interviewees for their Facebook password. The debate has centered around the fact that Facebook has settings that can keep some posting private from a general audience (i.e., potential employers). I have seen less attention paid to Twitter, whose communications are basically public to all. In my experience, teens aged 17-20 are especially at-risk for postings that they could regret come time to apply for their first internships or jobs –Twitter will probably be long gone by the time 12 year olds now are ready to apply for jobs. While adults tend to use Twitter to post professional material, teens use it to communicate with friends and their tweets are open for anyone to see; there is no friending on Twitter. This became clear to me the other day when a sports reporter whom I follow re-tweeted a post from her 19 year old brother. When you click on it you can see his whole twitter feed which included lots of colorful language and subject matter I am sure he would rather not have adults see. The tricky part for teens is that they are wired to be loose with their talk at this age and not think of the long-term consequences of what they say. While in the past these conversations could be kept within the confines of locker rooms and basements now they are preserved on the internet. How many of us would like our current employers to be privy to the conversations we had with friends when we were 17 or 18? So, a word of caution may be helpful to teens to “think before you tweet.” You never know who is or will be looking at your twitter feed.
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Justified Aggression
When working with boys to help them avoid violence and aggression it is difficult not to be frustrated by the pervasive messages in society that condone and even encourage violence when “justified.” To start, there is even a TV show called “Justified” where a marshall frequently shoots bad guys but is always cleared of wrongdoing because it is, you guess it, “justified.” Just about every action movie that scores big at the box office involves some variation of the theme of the hero getting even with the villain. Even in comedies we see the same themes played out; Marty McFly in “Back to the Future” finally gets even with Biff the bully by punching his lights out as the audience cheers. In the world of sports, if you watch a baseball game and a batter shows up the pitcher after hitting a home run you can be pretty certain the next time that batter is up he is going to get a hard ball thrown directly at him at about 90 mph. Likewise, if a hockey player takes what is perceived as a cheap shot at another player, the offending player better be ready to drop his gloves and fight the “enforcer” from the other team the next time they meet on the ice. I believe that our violence prevention efforts need to acknowledge and address “justified violence” and the very real bind that boys are in when they feel disrespected or threatened. If they fight back they get in trouble, if they walk away they feel a deep sense of shame. Yet, boys and young men get bombarded with images and messages in our culture that value striking back when you are wronged. It is what “real men” do; it is the American way. Don’t believe me? Think that all of these examples just come from sports and pop culture? Here is a transcript (click for link to video) of part of Joe Biden’s nomination speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2008. Remember, this speech would have been intensely scrutinized by speech writers for any message or implication that would turn off the American public.
Seems pretty clear to me.
No More “Coping Skills” Please
I’ve grown tired of the term “coping skills” and have decided to ban it from my own practice and writing. If I had a dollar for every time I hear or read “he needs to develop coping skills,” I could close up shop. The reason I am fed up with the term is because it doesn’t tell us anything meaningful. What exactly is a coping skill? Imagine if you went to a physician and he or she said “you need to get healthier” or your financial advisor told you “you need to be better with money.” How useful would that be? Now, I am all for using specific techniques or strategies like relaxation breathing or self-talk to address specific problems. My concern is that I see many boys referred for therapy due to acting out and the recommendation uses “coping skills” as a blanket term. My issue with this, besides it being lazy, is that there is no thought put into what specifically is causing the distress and what will help the boy or teen. For example, lets take a boy who has been getting into fights after school. If the boy struggles with a reactive temperament or impulsivity, we would look to teach him how to self-regulate and self-soothe. However, if the boy is able to remain calm but fights out of a sense of saving face and wanting to avoid being labeled a “punk,” our intervention may focus on teaching conflict resolution through assertive communication. Same problem at first glance, but the “coping skills” we would teach are very different. It is worthwhile for us to take the time to examine what lies underneath the problematic behavior and think critically about what we hope therapy or intervention will accomplish. I hope to see the day when I never have to read “needs to develop coping skills” on a referral form or assessment again!
Boys Really Don’t Want to Talk About It
A fascinating new study came out last week that found that boys and young men feel “weird” about talking about their problems and feel talking about problems is a “waste of time.” The key to this study is that the authors were clear that the boys did not feel embarrassed about talking about feelings or that they wouldn’t want their friends to know they talked about feelings, they really just did not want to talk. The boys in this study felt that if there was a problem that could be fixed, fix it, otherwise best to move on. These findings are especially important in light of traditional models of psychotherapy and counseling that rely on lots of talking and processing feelings. As helping professionals we need to recognize the importance of letting boys know how we are going to help them take action to improve a given situation from school problems to arguments at home. If we rely too much on face-to-face “feelings talk” we run the very real risk of turning boys off to therapy and counseling. It is not uncommon for me to see young men in my practice who have avoided “shrinks” for years after a bad experience in early adolescence. So, next time we hear a boy tell us they “don’t want to talk about it” lets not assume it is resistance or social pressure…they may really not want to talk about it. Our job is to take this sentiment seriously and communicate to them that we can help problem-solve.
Why you should know about salvia
Do you know what salvia is? Perhaps you should. Salvia divinorum is an plant that when smoked produces short, intense hallucinogenic bursts. It is currently legal in many US states, including Massachusetts. Although there have been legislative efforts to make it illegal, so far none have been fully passed. Teens are using it and they don’t really know what it is doing to their brains and bodies. Salvia seems to be getting less press than other illicit substances, but clearly there are risks with any use of a hallucinogen. It is unclear right now where the legislative efforts are going, but for now parents and professionals need a “heads up” about salvia, which appears to be growing in popularity.
Empathy and the Lauren Astley Tragedy
The recent murder of Lauren Astley, allegedly by her ex-boyfriend Nate Fujita, has professionals and talking heads alike wondering how something like this could have happened. Questions swirl such as “could it have been prevented?” “were there warning signs?” and “what can we learn from this?” I have been reading Baron-Cohen’s book “The Science of Evil: on Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty” and he posits that a lack of empathy or “zero empathy” is at the root of “evil” actions. This has lead me to wonder what happened for Nate Fujita that his empathy for his former girlfriend eroded to the point where he could violently and brutally take her life? Was it a gradual process or a rapid change? Did he plan to kill her that night when they met? Could anyone have intervened? Friends are now saying that they noticed he was more angry and withdrawn after the couple broke up in the Spring. Could his empathy been restored? I don’t know if we will ever find the answers to these questions, but perhaps even small clues or insights could help us better recognize possible precursors to deadly relationship violence in teens. For now though, a community and families must have time to mourn this terribly sad loss.
Boys and Friendship
Interesting study by Niobe Way on friendship in boys. She posits that boys start out having very close and intimate friendships and are not afraid to talk about friends in loving terms. However, she found as boys develop into teens their close friendships fade. From the article found here:
When asked why such friendships faded as they aged, the teens listed girlfriends, busy school and work schedules, and a need to change schools or move as the main reasons. But Way says that it has much more to do with ingrained societal norms. They become, she said, “increasingly attuned to cultural messages about manhood and maturity.” “Rather than focusing on who they are,” Way added, “they become obsessed with who they are not.” Despite the countless studies that indicate close friends are good for a person’s emotional and physical well-being, boys feel pressure to show their independence and emotional stoicism, said Way.
The line about boys focusing on how they are not more than how they are struck a chord with me. So many boys hide the pain of the shame they experience around not living up to our norms of “being a man.” Its an important message to keep in mind when we are working with a boy who is struggling. That is, we need to examine not only what is going on with him, but also what he is worried about that is not going on with him.
“Training” with a Psychologist?
One of the challenges of working with boys and young men is finding ways to frame therapy or mental health in ways that are “guy friendly.” If you tell a guy he needs to get therapy or go to see a “shrink” good luck getting him in the door. Guys often find the prospect of a root canal preferable to therapy. Using the term coaching is one way that some mental health professionals have tried to circumvent the terminology dilemma. I have mixed feelings about coaching. On the one hand, it can work because men and boys are certainly comfortable with the concept of coaching. On the other hand, psychologists are quite different from coaches and it is a bit of a stretch to equate mental health counseling with coaching. Recently Aaron Hernandez, the tight end for the New England Patriots, spoke about his time working with a psychologist. In the article, he uses the term “I trained with a psychologist.” Hmmm, trained with a psychologist. I have never heard that term used with psychology before and I think I like it. ”Training” has a broader scope as a word than coaching but still is “guy friendly.” I would love to hear others’ opinions of this. Training with psychologists, is Aaron Hernandez on to something?
Real Quarterbacks Don’t Cry?
Tonight, there is an ESPN special that details how Tom Brady was not taken until the 6th round of the 2000 NFL draft and went on to be a superstar. In footage seen here he chokes up for over 10 seconds as he recalls his family’s support as he struggled with the prospect that he might not be drafted. What has surprised me is the number of fans and media members taking shots at Brady for being a “sissy” and other more offensive terms for shedding a tear and getting emotional. Brady is without question one of the best quaterbacks to ever play the game and as tough as they come but he can’t get choked up when describing one of the toughest obstacles he had to overcome? I thought we had come a little further than that…
The 7 C’s of Parental Leverage
One of the questions I get from parents of acting out teens is, “what can I do?” Well, thanks to Nancy Rappaport, M.D. for giving me the heads up on an idea coined by the folks over at the ASAP Program at Children’s Hospital: the 7 C’s of Parental Leverage. The 7 C’s are as follows: cash, credit card, checks, car, cellphone, computer curfew. Parents should remember that you pay for or control all of these commodities, which are considered precious by teens. Yes, they may pitch a fit if you restrict them, but too bad –that’s your call. There are going to be instances when as parents you need to enforce consequences and timeouts won’t work anymore. The 7 C’s, learn them, know them, live them.