Recently, there has been attention in the news regrading employers asking interviewees for their Facebook password. The debate has centered around the fact that Facebook has settings that can keep some posting private from a general audience (i.e., potential employers). I have seen less attention paid to Twitter, whose communications are basically public to all. In my experience, teens aged 17-20 are especially at-risk for postings that they could regret come time to apply for their first internships or jobs –Twitter will probably be long gone by the time 12 year olds now are ready to apply for jobs. While adults tend to use Twitter to post professional material, teens use it to communicate with friends and their tweets are open for anyone to see; there is no friending on Twitter. This became clear to me the other day when a sports reporter whom I follow re-tweeted a post from her 19 year old brother. When you click on it you can see his whole twitter feed which included lots of colorful language and subject matter I am sure he would rather not have adults see. The tricky part for teens is that they are wired to be loose with their talk at this age and not think of the long-term consequences of what they say. While in the past these conversations could be kept within the confines of locker rooms and basements now they are preserved on the internet. How many of us would like our current employers to be privy to the conversations we had with friends when we were 17 or 18? So, a word of caution may be helpful to teens to “think before you tweet.” You never know who is or will be looking at your twitter feed.
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Justified Aggression
When working with boys to help them avoid violence and aggression it is difficult not to be frustrated by the pervasive messages in society that condone and even encourage violence when “justified.” To start, there is even a TV show called “Justified” where a marshall frequently shoots bad guys but is always cleared of wrongdoing because it is, you guess it, “justified.” Just about every action movie that scores big at the box office involves some variation of the theme of the hero getting even with the villain. Even in comedies we see the same themes played out; Marty McFly in “Back to the Future” finally gets even with Biff the bully by punching his lights out as the audience cheers. In the world of sports, if you watch a baseball game and a batter shows up the pitcher after hitting a home run you can be pretty certain the next time that batter is up he is going to get a hard ball thrown directly at him at about 90 mph. Likewise, if a hockey player takes what is perceived as a cheap shot at another player, the offending player better be ready to drop his gloves and fight the “enforcer” from the other team the next time they meet on the ice. I believe that our violence prevention efforts need to acknowledge and address “justified violence” and the very real bind that boys are in when they feel disrespected or threatened. If they fight back they get in trouble, if they walk away they feel a deep sense of shame. Yet, boys and young men get bombarded with images and messages in our culture that value striking back when you are wronged. It is what “real men” do; it is the American way. Don’t believe me? Think that all of these examples just come from sports and pop culture? Here is a transcript (click for link to video) of part of Joe Biden’s nomination speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2008. Remember, this speech would have been intensely scrutinized by speech writers for any message or implication that would turn off the American public.
Seems pretty clear to me.
Why you should know about salvia
Do you know what salvia is? Perhaps you should. Salvia divinorum is an plant that when smoked produces short, intense hallucinogenic bursts. It is currently legal in many US states, including Massachusetts. Although there have been legislative efforts to make it illegal, so far none have been fully passed. Teens are using it and they don’t really know what it is doing to their brains and bodies. Salvia seems to be getting less press than other illicit substances, but clearly there are risks with any use of a hallucinogen. It is unclear right now where the legislative efforts are going, but for now parents and professionals need a “heads up” about salvia, which appears to be growing in popularity.
Empathy and the Lauren Astley Tragedy
The recent murder of Lauren Astley, allegedly by her ex-boyfriend Nate Fujita, has professionals and talking heads alike wondering how something like this could have happened. Questions swirl such as “could it have been prevented?” “were there warning signs?” and “what can we learn from this?” I have been reading Baron-Cohen’s book “The Science of Evil: on Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty” and he posits that a lack of empathy or “zero empathy” is at the root of “evil” actions. This has lead me to wonder what happened for Nate Fujita that his empathy for his former girlfriend eroded to the point where he could violently and brutally take her life? Was it a gradual process or a rapid change? Did he plan to kill her that night when they met? Could anyone have intervened? Friends are now saying that they noticed he was more angry and withdrawn after the couple broke up in the Spring. Could his empathy been restored? I don’t know if we will ever find the answers to these questions, but perhaps even small clues or insights could help us better recognize possible precursors to deadly relationship violence in teens. For now though, a community and families must have time to mourn this terribly sad loss.
Real Quarterbacks Don’t Cry?
Tonight, there is an ESPN special that details how Tom Brady was not taken until the 6th round of the 2000 NFL draft and went on to be a superstar. In footage seen here he chokes up for over 10 seconds as he recalls his family’s support as he struggled with the prospect that he might not be drafted. What has surprised me is the number of fans and media members taking shots at Brady for being a “sissy” and other more offensive terms for shedding a tear and getting emotional. Brady is without question one of the best quaterbacks to ever play the game and as tough as they come but he can’t get choked up when describing one of the toughest obstacles he had to overcome? I thought we had come a little further than that…
When to Call in the Courts Part III: The Cons
If you take out a CHINS on your child there are some risks. First, although a CHINS is not a legal charge, you are allowing the juvenile courts access to your child and home. A probation officer will be assigned and in a worst-case scenario your child could be placed in a 45-day diagnostic group home if he continues to be truant or recalcitrant. Some parents just are not comfortable with the court system and that is understandable. Second, the reality of a CHINS is that it does not have much “teeth.” Most towns have one juvenile probation officer for the whole town and with all of the juveniles with serious legal charges on their caseload they just do not have the time to keep close watch on all the CHINS cases. Juveniles who are somewhat systems-savvy often pick up on the fact that their PO is unlikely to stop by the house to make sure they are in by curfew on a Friday night. Bottom-line I advise parents that if there is a real risk their child could be arrested because of their risky behavior a CHINS can be a worthwhile preventative step. However, as with any other parenting decision, it is critical to know the facts as well as the pros and cons before taking action.
When to Call in the Courts Part II: The Pros
Some of my colleagues never recommend that a parent or school file a CHINS (if you don’t know what that is click here for Part I of this blog series). They feel that a CHINS is not helpful and not worth the time and effort. I disagree, I have seen CHINS help families and there are some distinct advantages. First, the court assigns a probation officer who can play the role of the “heavy” and take some pressure off of parents. A probation officer can help set a reasonable curfew, check up on the juvenile at school to make sure he or she is getting there on time and following rules and can be a resource to parents when their child becomes obstinate or stubborn. In addition, for some kids and teens the notion that they are involved in the courts and have a PO visiting them is enough to help them take matters seriously and adjust their behavior. Finally, if a teen is running away frequently or staying out until all hours a CHINS allows police to pick up that juvenile before the usual 24 hour missing persons period. Of course, as with anything in life with the pros come the cons. Stay tuned…
When to Call in the Courts Part I
I often consult to parents and schools on when to file a CHINS. In Massachusetts a CHINS means Child In Need of Service and can filed in the juvenile court by a parent or school. A CHINS is taken out when a child or teen is truant from school or not following rules at home. When a CHINS is filed, the juvenile is assigned a probation officer from the court who sets up expectations with the child and family. The probation officer periodically checks in with the school and parents and makes sure the juvenile is complying with the parameters of the CHINS (e.g., making curfew, going to school, etc). A CHINS is not a legal charge, however, if the juvenile persists in violating the CHINS he or she can be subject to consequences including temporary placement out of the home. When is a CHINS a good idea and when might it be bad idea? Tune in next week for parts II and III and I’ll let you know!
Cybersafety: Just Because You’re Not Watching Doesn’t Mean They’re Not Paranoid
While up at Four Winds Hospital in NY last week I had a chance to talk with one of the psychologists who works there and specializes in educating parents on cybersafety (she is supposed to e-mail me her info and I will credit her as soon as I get it). Anyway, she brought up a great point that many parents don’t know that research shows that the notion that you are monitoring your kids’ online activity is often enough to increase safe behavior on the internet. In other words, as long as kids think you are watching their actions online they are more likely to stay away from questionable sites or risky online behavior. Many parents struggle with how to stay ahead of their kids with all the rapid advances in technology. Luckily it turns out you don’t need to stay ahead of your kids online, they just have to think that you are.
Why Some Boys Hate Therapy Part II
Why do some boys hate therapy? Simple, they think it is “corny.” As a profession we haven’t done a great job “selling” therapy to boys. Games where you talk about feelings, posters with funny cartoon faces asking “how do you feel today?”, motivational messages, they are all out of place in a “guy’s guy” world. A colleague recently told me that one of his good friend’s brought his son to a therapist that was supposedly “one of the best” in working with young men. The boy was sent to therapy to help address the verbal abuse he was directing at his mother. The therapist put a stuffed animal in an empty chair and told his client to pretend that it was his mother and talk to her. The boy looked at his father and said, “that’s it, I’m outta here.” The “empty chair” technique this therapist was using can be effective with some clients. What he failed to pick up on was that if a “guy’s guy” walks into a strange office and is asked right off the bat to talk to a teddy bear, he is unlikely to stick around. The funny faces posters, pictures of kittens and ice breakers can work wonders with some patients, but if you are seeing a “guy’s guy” for the first time, do yourself a favor and put them away. A boy who thinks therapy is “corny” is unlikely to come back a second time…or even stick around for the first session!