Once we have helped boys to better understand how their emotions work, the impact of self-soothing and the feeling of empowerment that can come with self-control, the final thing we need is to encourage outlets for competitive activity. Bill Pollack talked about the importance of boys having an outlet and without question boys often relate and communicate through competition. The specific outlet doesn’t matter, sports, video games, rapping, battle of the bands, etc, the important thing is that a boy has a chance to feel that he “kicked ass” every once in awhile. There is nothing wrong with feeling cool and empowered and the more a boy feels that way the less he feels he has to take on all comers or “step up” to anyone who slights him. Remember, a little friendly competition can go a long way.
Schedule an Appointment:
Office Location
Anger Management and Boys Part III
In my last post I talked about ways to pitch the idea of self-soothing and recognizing cues and triggers to anger to boys. The place where I see anger management programs fail the most for boys is teaching these skills out of context. If a young man calms himself down and walks away from a conflict feeling like he was just made to look like a punk or being ashamed of being a coward our intervention can hardly be deemed a success. I believe it is critically important to help boys understand that true power and control come from never letting someone else goad you into action. This is an idea that has existed in martial arts for ages. Sun Tzu said: “The clever combatant imposes his will on the enemy, but does not allow the enemy’s will to be imposed on him.” When anger management is framed as being derived from a place of strength and mastery rather than suppression and submission, it is much more appealing to young men. Thus, I never tell my clients that they can’t be angry, but I do ask that they never act out of anger or let someone else “play them out of position” and incite them to act by taunting them or challenging them. I like to ask boys that if you have to strike back every time you feel you are threatened or challenged then who has the true power? Who is really in control? In the next and final installment of this series I will talk about the importance of feeling like “the top dog.”
Anger Management and Boys Part II
Ay good anger management program is going to teach de-escalation skills. The problem that I have always had with traditional anger management programs is that they teach these skills without context. If you tell a teen boy that he needs to take a deep breath, count to ten and walk away when he is mad he is likely going to look at you like you are nuts. To make these skills a little more interesting and relevant you can teach boys about the fight or flight response that occurs in your body when angry. Boys can often perk up when they learn that blood rushes to their limbs, the emotional part of their brain flares up, concentration becomes intense and focused and a burst of adrenaline rushes to your muscles when angry. This is the body getting ready to “go at it.” This process can be slowed down if the boy recognizes and learns the physiological cues that precede this process (flushed face, tense shoulders, clenched fists) and then relaxation breathing is used. The trick becomes getting boys to buy into slowing this process down. I will talk about how we can do that in Part III coming soon…
Anger Management and Boys Part I
Many of the referrals I get ask for “anger management” for boys or young men. The term “anger management” is so loaded that I am going to take some time on this blog to unpack it and look at what it is, whom it helps, and how it is done best. Research shows that boys will benefit most from anger management if they have a reactive temperament and show remorse for their outbursts. This would include young men with a low frustration tolerance, impulsivity and executive functioning problems as well as some forms of Mood Disorders. Typically, the young person encounters a frustrating situation or perceived threat, struggles to inhibit an angry or explosive response and then feels regret or remorse for his actions afterwards. Conversely, boys or teens who take pleasure in lashing out at others, chronically externalize the blame for their actions on others, or who target others for violent attacks (e.g., waiting afterschool to jump someone to steal his iPod) benefit less from anger management. These boys are better served by a behavioral intervention that links consistent consequences to their actions. Thus, the first step in deciding whether a referral for anger management is appropriate is doing a careful assessment of the young man and his profile of concerning behavior. If he tends to be reactive and shows some remorse for his actions then he is a good candidate, if he tends to display targeted or proactive aggression and externalizes blame for his behavior, he is not an ideal candidate. Next up in this blog series: how do we couch anger management so that it is relevant to young men?
Shame, shame, shame
I am prepping for a talk on gangs in schools for a conference this weekend and in going over my notes I am reminded of the primacy of shame in violent conflicts between young men. James Gilligan’s Violence does an excellent job of laying out the argument that it is shame, rather than anger or rage, that is the true cause of violence. Indeed, young men who feel disrespected or humiliated are likely to feel the need to retaliate with violence. Treatment therefore should focus on helping young men feel empowered or to manage conflict without violence rather than traditional “anger management.” The problem with teaching young men just to “walk away” from conflict is that it fails to attend to the resulting shame that arises from feeling “punked” or “dissed.”