A fascinating new study came out last week that found that boys and young men feel “weird” about talking about their problems and feel talking about problems is a “waste of time.” The key to this study is that the authors were clear that the boys did not feel embarrassed about talking about feelings or that they wouldn’t want their friends to know they talked about feelings, they really just did not want to talk. The boys in this study felt that if there was a problem that could be fixed, fix it, otherwise best to move on. These findings are especially important in light of traditional models of psychotherapy and counseling that rely on lots of talking and processing feelings. As helping professionals we need to recognize the importance of letting boys know how we are going to help them take action to improve a given situation from school problems to arguments at home. If we rely too much on face-to-face “feelings talk” we run the very real risk of turning boys off to therapy and counseling. It is not uncommon for me to see young men in my practice who have avoided “shrinks” for years after a bad experience in early adolescence. So, next time we hear a boy tell us they “don’t want to talk about it” lets not assume it is resistance or social pressure…they may really not want to talk about it. Our job is to take this sentiment seriously and communicate to them that we can help problem-solve.
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Boys and Friendship
Interesting study by Niobe Way on friendship in boys. She posits that boys start out having very close and intimate friendships and are not afraid to talk about friends in loving terms. However, she found as boys develop into teens their close friendships fade. From the article found here:
When asked why such friendships faded as they aged, the teens listed girlfriends, busy school and work schedules, and a need to change schools or move as the main reasons. But Way says that it has much more to do with ingrained societal norms. They become, she said, “increasingly attuned to cultural messages about manhood and maturity.” “Rather than focusing on who they are,” Way added, “they become obsessed with who they are not.” Despite the countless studies that indicate close friends are good for a person’s emotional and physical well-being, boys feel pressure to show their independence and emotional stoicism, said Way.
The line about boys focusing on how they are not more than how they are struck a chord with me. So many boys hide the pain of the shame they experience around not living up to our norms of “being a man.” Its an important message to keep in mind when we are working with a boy who is struggling. That is, we need to examine not only what is going on with him, but also what he is worried about that is not going on with him.
“Training” with a Psychologist?
One of the challenges of working with boys and young men is finding ways to frame therapy or mental health in ways that are “guy friendly.” If you tell a guy he needs to get therapy or go to see a “shrink” good luck getting him in the door. Guys often find the prospect of a root canal preferable to therapy. Using the term coaching is one way that some mental health professionals have tried to circumvent the terminology dilemma. I have mixed feelings about coaching. On the one hand, it can work because men and boys are certainly comfortable with the concept of coaching. On the other hand, psychologists are quite different from coaches and it is a bit of a stretch to equate mental health counseling with coaching. Recently Aaron Hernandez, the tight end for the New England Patriots, spoke about his time working with a psychologist. In the article, he uses the term “I trained with a psychologist.” Hmmm, trained with a psychologist. I have never heard that term used with psychology before and I think I like it. ”Training” has a broader scope as a word than coaching but still is “guy friendly.” I would love to hear others’ opinions of this. Training with psychologists, is Aaron Hernandez on to something?
Boys and Anger Management Part IV
Once we have helped boys to better understand how their emotions work, the impact of self-soothing and the feeling of empowerment that can come with self-control, the final thing we need is to encourage outlets for competitive activity. Bill Pollack talked about the importance of boys having an outlet and without question boys often relate and communicate through competition. The specific outlet doesn’t matter, sports, video games, rapping, battle of the bands, etc, the important thing is that a boy has a chance to feel that he “kicked ass” every once in awhile. There is nothing wrong with feeling cool and empowered and the more a boy feels that way the less he feels he has to take on all comers or “step up” to anyone who slights him. Remember, a little friendly competition can go a long way.
3 Ways to have a “boy-friendly” talk
I have talked on this blog before about how difficult it can be for boys to have emotional, one on one discussions. Parents are often left struggling with how to approach discussing challenging issues such as drugs, curfew, safe relationships, fighting, etc. with their sons. Here are three “boy-friendly” ways of having “a talk.”
1) Go for a ride. Why not use the trip to soccer practice or a friend’s house as an opportunity to talk? Car rides have you sitting side-by-side with your son (which is the boys’ preferred style of conversation) and the ride provides a backdrop to take the pressure out of the conversation.
2) Play a video game. I know there is plenty out there about the dangers of video games, but your son is likely playing them so why not get some good out of them. Boys are used to competing against friends and can feel more comfortable opening up if there is a game going while you talk. Again, the video game also provides a distraction so the boy doesn’t feel “under the spotlight.”
3) Get outside. Here in the northeast we have had 3 days of rain but the sun is finally out and Spring will soon be here. Boys tend to do better talking when they are engaged in a physical activity and being outdoors helps them feel less “trapped” when having a tough conversation.
Boys and “expressing their feelings”
Often, I get referrals where the parent or teacher says that the boy “needs to learn how to express his feelings.” Hmmm. Maybe. But I think it is important to recognize that for many boys it is very difficult for them to access and verbalize difficult emotions such as fear, embarrassment or shame. When boys experience these emotions they often resort to shutting down or getting angry. However, the first step to helping them is not to push them to “express their feelings,” this is likely to make them run for the hills. After all, the other boys that they are hanging out with are unlikely to be sitting around sharing their emotions. We guys might be better off if we did, it just doesn’t happen all that often. Instead, we should first work to help boys feel safe and empowered. Once we establish those basics, the boys is much less likely to have to rely on shutting down or lashing out and may even be in a place where he can start to talk about those dreaded “feelings.”
What Causes Explosive Behavior?
So often boys are referred for services because of explosive verbal or physical behavior. The difficulty is that often the same behavior (e.g., telling a teacher to screw off) can have different causes in different boys. For instance, some boys talk back to teachers because they have an undiagnosed learning disability and are ashamed of not understanding the lessons. Other boys may have a trauma history and feel threatened by the teacher. In other cases, a boy may not respond well to authority and frequently get into power struggles with the teacher. These examples highlight the importance of having a trained professional properly diagnose the behavioral difficulties that a boy presents with and proceed with the best course of treatment.