James Barrett, PhD

In following Massachusetts’ anti-bullying legislation in the media and in my own conversations with parents I often hear three major concerns to legislating school’s responses to bullying that I address below:

1) Now every little thing is going to be called “bullying.” I have heard parents say things like, “If my kids makes fun of another kids glasses is he now going to be breaking the law?”  No, it will not be.  Olweus, a national expert in bullying defines it as when someone is,”exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.”  Thus, bullying is ongoing and targeted harassment and not a behavior that occurs once or twice and it can have very serious consequences for the victim and for the perpetrator.

2) Isn’t bullying a normal part of growing up? No.  While bullying occurs across cultures and is most prevalent when children are in middle school, it is should not be considered “just part of growing up.”  After all, it is normal for kids to try out all kinds of risky behaviors but that does not mean as adults we turn a blind eye to them.  Would you let a 12 year old manage your finances, decide what you will eat for dinner each night, or drive a car?  Of course not, because they are not developmentally ready for these responsibilities.  Similarly, children in middle school do not have the capacity to understand the long-term pain and suffering that bullying can cause, that is why it is up for adults to intervene.

3) Kids need to learn how to defend themselves on their own. Children will have plenty of opportunities to learn how to advocate for themselves, defend themselves and be assertive when necessary.  They do not need to endure bullying to learn these skills.  Often, parents who have been bullied themselves are understandably concerned about their children and push them to fight whenever they feel disrespected.  There are two problems with this approach: a) fighting can get the victim in more trouble and b) bully victims are often physically smaller and less assertive than their peers and thus ill-equipped to fight bullies, who are often physically strong and aggressive.  Therefore, adults have to be ready to intervene to stop bullying and address it as a serious problem in schools and one that will not be tolerated.  

Here in Massachusetts bullying has been on the front pages due the tragic case of Phoebe Prince, a 15 year old from South Hadley who committed suicide after enduring horrific bullying.  Most of the media attention has been focused on ways that schools can improve their responses to bullying.  Hopefully, this tragedy can inspire wholesale change in the ways that schools attend to fostering a climate that both prevents bullying from occurring as well as holds bullies accountable for their actions.  However, I fear that this is only half the battle.  When we discover that a child is being bullied our first step as parents, educators or helping professionals needs to focus on stopping further bullying from occurring.  At the same time it is critical that we attend to the emotional aftermath of the bullying that the victim suffers.  This can be especially important for boys who often feel pressure to deny that they were hurt by bullying.  Consequently, they are left to struggle on their own with feelings of helplessness for not fighting back,  shame and confusion as to why they are the target in the first place, and anger that someone would want to hurt them.  We need to give boys a space in which they can feel comfortable coming to adults they trust to talk about some of these emotions.  This needs to be done in a non-shaming fashion and in a manner that focuses on building empowerment.

One way of doing this is to provide psycho-education that bullying is something that unfortunately tends to occur in the middle and high school years when kids feel the pressure to fit in, follow the group and sometimes ridicule others to make themselves feel better.  Bullies usually target kids who are quiet, less assertive, and physically smaller than their peers.  It is important that the boy not feel ashamed about these traits or to feel that it is his fault that he was bullied. It is crucial that he have a group of peers that he feels comfortable with and can provide him support.  It is also important that adults let boys know they are there for them even after the bullying has stopped as, unfortunately, the emotional aftermath can continue for some time.

Very good article on boston.com on what to do if your child is the bully.  There has been lots of talk and lots written here in Massachusetts lately on how to protect your children from being bullied.  However, just as important are tips for parents to help recognize bullying behavior in their children.  While this can be difficult for some parents, it is important to remember that children do not recognize the impact that their bullying can have on children, they  often lack the developmental perspective and empathy.  It is our job as adults to correct possible damaging behavior in their part and teach them why it is wrong. Parents also need to not dismiss possible bullying as “normal” or “part of growing up” and differentiate between teasing or a disagreement between peers and bullying.  Bullying occurs when a child regularly targets another with verbal taunts or physical assaults.  Instead of looking the other way, it is critical that parents help curb these behaviors in children and teach the importance of prosocial attitudes and actions.