A fascinating new study came out last week that found that boys and young men feel “weird” about talking about their problems and feel talking about problems is a “waste of time.” The key to this study is that the authors were clear that the boys did not feel embarrassed about talking about feelings or that they wouldn’t want their friends to know they talked about feelings, they really just did not want to talk. The boys in this study felt that if there was a problem that could be fixed, fix it, otherwise best to move on. These findings are especially important in light of traditional models of psychotherapy and counseling that rely on lots of talking and processing feelings. As helping professionals we need to recognize the importance of letting boys know how we are going to help them take action to improve a given situation from school problems to arguments at home. If we rely too much on face-to-face “feelings talk” we run the very real risk of turning boys off to therapy and counseling. It is not uncommon for me to see young men in my practice who have avoided “shrinks” for years after a bad experience in early adolescence. So, next time we hear a boy tell us they “don’t want to talk about it” lets not assume it is resistance or social pressure…they may really not want to talk about it. Our job is to take this sentiment seriously and communicate to them that we can help problem-solve.
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“Training” with a Psychologist?
One of the challenges of working with boys and young men is finding ways to frame therapy or mental health in ways that are “guy friendly.” If you tell a guy he needs to get therapy or go to see a “shrink” good luck getting him in the door. Guys often find the prospect of a root canal preferable to therapy. Using the term coaching is one way that some mental health professionals have tried to circumvent the terminology dilemma. I have mixed feelings about coaching. On the one hand, it can work because men and boys are certainly comfortable with the concept of coaching. On the other hand, psychologists are quite different from coaches and it is a bit of a stretch to equate mental health counseling with coaching. Recently Aaron Hernandez, the tight end for the New England Patriots, spoke about his time working with a psychologist. In the article, he uses the term “I trained with a psychologist.” Hmmm, trained with a psychologist. I have never heard that term used with psychology before and I think I like it. ”Training” has a broader scope as a word than coaching but still is “guy friendly.” I would love to hear others’ opinions of this. Training with psychologists, is Aaron Hernandez on to something?
Navigating the Storms of Adolescence
One of the things I often tell parents who consult with me is that half the battle in dealing with their troubled adolescents is just getting them through the teen years safely. Now there is some new research to back me up: http://bit.ly/d65X5H. It turns out that adolescence is indeed a time of storm and stress: some mental health problems first appear, other existing problems become worse. The good news? Once teens reach about 23-25 years old their frontal lobes are fully developed in their brains and they are better equipped to manage mental health issues. Until then, buckle up, pick your battles, find good help, and remember that it doesn’t last forever!
3 Tips for Finding Effective Mental Health Care for your Family
With all the uncertainty recently in the field of health care I hear more and more from families that they are struggling to find the right match for their needs. Some want to use their HMO and can’t find anyone in network, others don’t know how to wade through the hundreds of therapists on-line who promise happiness and success if you work with them. Here are three tips to finding effective help fast:
1) Don’t fall for gimmicks. I am dismayed to see many of my colleagues offering low-cost “alternatives” to mental health care such as webinars, CD’s, 5-step tele-classes, etc. None of these well-packaged “products” can take the place of working with a psychologist who can provide careful diagnosis and treatment options for your family.
2) Don’t confine yourself to your insurance network. I get a few calls every month where as soon as the parent hears I am not on their HMO panel they hurry off the phone saying they can’t afford to not use their insurance. While I certainly understand the desire to use the benefits you pay for, in-network options are not always the best. For example, lets say you choose a clinician that is in-network with your insurance but not an expert in the help you need or the best fit for your family or child. You can waste precious time and weeks worth of co-pays for ineffective care. Worst-case scenario, a negative experience with therapy can turn a child or teen off to the experience entirely.
3) Interview different providers and get the best value for your healthcare dollar. Most psychologists will offer a free, breif phone consult. Ask them if they have expertise in the problem for which you seek help. For example, if someone calls up seeking help for their daughter with an eating disorder, I’ll provide them with referrals as this is not one of my areas of expertise. However, if you call looking for help with your teenage son who is getting in trouble at home and in school, I’m the guy to talk to and I can lay out how I plan to help. Often in three months of solid work we can get more accomplished than what you would with a year of work with an inexperienced clinician. Don’t be afraid to ask the psychologist to explain in concrete terms how he or she plans to help and how you will evaluate the effectiveness of the work together.
In short–don’t “cheap out” on mental health care. Often, even out of pocket expenses will be less than you pay for cable TV, a plumber, or comprehensive lawn service and think of what you can get in return–peace at home, a safer teen, or a family that is able to communicate more effectively. The trick is in taking the time to find a competent, capable clinician with the expertise you need and a plan as to how he or she will help you get the results you are looking for. I have yet to see that happen by signing up for a “Gold Membership” on a website message board.
What Causes Explosive Behavior?
So often boys are referred for services because of explosive verbal or physical behavior. The difficulty is that often the same behavior (e.g., telling a teacher to screw off) can have different causes in different boys. For instance, some boys talk back to teachers because they have an undiagnosed learning disability and are ashamed of not understanding the lessons. Other boys may have a trauma history and feel threatened by the teacher. In other cases, a boy may not respond well to authority and frequently get into power struggles with the teacher. These examples highlight the importance of having a trained professional properly diagnose the behavioral difficulties that a boy presents with and proceed with the best course of treatment.